Sexual problems

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Many people experience sexual problems at some time in their lives. In some cases, traumatic events in childhood or early adulthood have a lasting effect on a person's sexual desire, sexual confidence, potency, or orgasmic capacity. In other cases, sexual problems are the result of temporary physical, emotional, or relationship issues.

In any case, adopting a Tantric approach will ultimately require facing and overcoming all blockages and limitations in life, including sexual blockages and limitations.

Sex Drive and Sexual Desire

Sex drive and sexual desire are separate, so it can be possible to have sexual desire without sex drive (for example, recognising someone is sexy, and feeling attracted to them, but having no erection, or no desire for penetration). It can also be possible to have sex drive without sexual desire (feeling a raw lust, a desire to grab and rub against someone, even though that person may not be particularly attractive).

A Tantric explores and understands sex drive and sexual desire, so that sexual energy is the servant of the Tantric, not the master. Ultimately a Tantric can switch sexuality on and off at will, and is equally able to manage periods of celibacy and periods of intense Tantric sexual practice.

Low Sex Drive

Many factors influence sex drive, and it can be confusing to determine which factors are involved when one's sex drive is low. Muladhara chakra is the source of sex drive, so if muladhara chakra is low in energy, or is unbalanced, the.re may be little or no sex drive, even when there is sexual desire.

Low sex drive can also manifest when there is an unresolved emotional issue with someone. If we don't feel safe, seen, and supported, our subconscious mind can protect us from the risk of intimate contact by suppressing our sex drive.

Imbalances on svadhisthana chakra can cause physical issues in the lower abdomen, which can affect sex drive. Confusion at the level of svadhisthana can cause us to think we have a low sex drive, and not to realise that we are using sexual energy to get attention and affirmation. Svadhisthana can also be a source of depression, which reduces sex drive.

Power struggles within a relationship can cause a lower sex drive, as can a strong need for control within an individual. Grief often lowers sex drive, and unresolved grief can keep sex drive suppressed for years, or even decades.

Diverting sexual creative energy into other forms of creation, such as raising children, creating a business, or manifesting a project, can also lower the sex drive.

High Sex Drive

While a high sex drive is a blessing on the Tantric path, it can cause problems if the sexual energy is not properly managed. Relying on other people to satisfy a high sex drive can cause frustration, and strain intimate relationships.

A high sex drive can cause physical tension, jumpiness, a constant urge to take sexual action, and physical symptoms, such as congestion and pain in the lower abdomen. While regular sexual activity can reduce these symptoms, the ultimate solution is to learn to sublimate and excess sexual energy to higher chakras. Tantric sex, without ejaculation, can even increase these symptoms in men who do not sublimate enough.

Men with high sex drive can find themselves addicted to ejaculation, when it is their only way to remove the excess energy from their system. Intense sublimation practice is the only practical, long-term way to remove the energetic pressure, and allow the man to manage and redirect his powerful sexual drive to spiritual practice.

Low Sexual Desire

It is very common to have a good sex drive, but very little sexual desire. Both men and women need to feel safe in order to have sex, and if the relationship is having problems, we may be triggered into "fight or flight" mode by our partner, even when we are not actively arguing. This depresses our interest in sex.

If there appears to be low sexual desire from one or both partners, check the level of basic sex drive by considering - do you still masturbate? Do you find other people attractive?

There may also be situational factors affecting desire - are you making enough time for intimacy, when you are not exhausted at the end of a long day? Are you regularly complimenting and appreciating your partner throughout the day?

Sexual abuse and sexual assault can cause trauma, which may lie dormant for years before manifesting as a lack of sexual desire.

Men, in particular, can be carried into desire by testosterone for many years, only to discover in their 30s or 40s, as testosterone levels drop, that they have some unresolved emotional resistance to sex. Sexual abuse may not be physical - many men are impacted by "emotional incest", where the father is physically or emotionally absent, and the mother turns to her son for the love and support she is not getting from her partner. It can be very difficult for men who grew up in these situations to identify the reason for their resentment and desire to escape in their adult relationships.

High Sexual Desire

Sexuality, in its pure, innocent form, can be delightful at any intensity.

Most people, however, have complications in their relationship with sexuality.

Some people find high sexual desire problematic because they were raised with beliefs that sex is unGodly, unclean, dangerous, unladylike, or crude. Others find it problematic because they have a resistance to masturbation as an outlet.

One common complication of sexuality is pursuing sex as a substitute for another emotional need - attention, approval, love, or validation. Because sex is not necessarily what we really need, the unfilled need remains in place, pushing us again and again to seek sex. People can also use sex as a way to escape their problems, or to avoid unpleasant emotions. The result, in either case, is sex addiction.

When sex becomes an addiction, the only cure is to discover the emotional driver of the addiction. Deep, sometimes painful, emotional work is an essential part of purifying sexuality for Tantric practice.

Sexual Fetishes

It is a normal part of human development that some aspects of life which are not inherently sexual become sexualised for an individual. Sometimes, this programming comes from outside influences (for example, who would naturally think of wearing thigh-high leather boots while making love?), and sometimes it comes from childhood experiences (for example, the boy who gets genital pleasure from bouncing on an inflatable toy, and grows up to have a latex fetish).

Sexual fetishes are only considered a problem if the person is unable to experience sexual arousal without the fetish object. If your fetish is the spice, not the entire meal, then go ahead and enjoy your fetish during your Tantric lovemaking!

Physical Sexual Problems

Physical problems are often connected with energetic, emotional, and subconscious disturbances. Attempting to treat a physical symptom in isolation is less likely to achieve a complete solution than addressing all levels of the being together.

Pain and Discomfort

A common cause of pain or discomfort during sexual intercourse, particularly in women, is hypertension of the pelvic floor muscles. Hypertension in this area can also cause urge incontinence, and other symptoms similar to symptoms of urinary tract infection.

In some cases, this hypertension is purely physical in origin (for example, it may be caused by incorrect practice of Kegel exercises). In this case, the pelvic floor muscles can be relaxed through gentle stretching, for example squatting with soles flat on the floor and knees apart, or the "happy baby" asana (lying on the back, hands holding the outside edges of the feet, and gently moving the feet toward the head and apart). Yoni massage may also help to release tensions in the area.

In other cases, the physical hypertension is connected with stored trauma, unresolved emotional issues in the relationship, or deeply-held limiting beliefs.

It is important to take a gentle approach to pain and discomfort during intercourse, as "pushing through" can cause additional layers of trauma.

Certain diseases and disorders can also cause pain or discomfort during intercourse, and it is important to have a medical professional rule out any medical cause for the pain or discomfort.

Erectile Dysfunction

It can be a source of great suffering when a man finds himself unable to get or to sustain an erection. While there are some medical conditions which can cause erectile dysfunction for physical reasons, the vast majority of men who find themselves in this situation are physically healthy. An easy way to test whether there is a physical issue is to see whether erections occur during sleep. If they do, then there is no underlying physical dysfunction.

The most important organic causes of impotence are cardiovascular disease and diabetes, neurological (nerve) problems (for example, trauma from prostate surgery), hormonal insufficiencies (hypogonadism) and drug side effects.

Diseases of the Sexual Organs

Apart from sexually transmitted infections (such as herpes, gonorrhoea, chlamydia, and HIV), there are a range of other medical conditions which can cause sexual problems. Endometriosis, cysts, and hernias can cause pain during intercourse, for example. Pain and discomfort during sex should be checked by a medical professional, to rule out serious medical conditions.

A healthy vagina has large colonies of lactobacilli. These bacteria produce lactic acid to create for themselves an environment in the vagina with a pH level of 3.8 to 4.4, which is optimally acidic. Bacteria that cause disease do not grow well at this pH, and can only reproduce with difficulty. 

Many factors can disturb the natural balance in the vagina.  Stress, a weakened immune system due to illness, the common cold, the use of drugs such as antibiotics, and contraceptive pills affect the quality of the vaginal flora, which may result in a vaginal infection such as: bacterial vaginosis, vaginal candidiasis, or trichomoniasis. Vaginal complaints such as itching, burning, and discharge can be signs of a bacterial or yeast infection.

Beginning Tantric practice, and changing the flow of energy in the area of the abdomen with more deep, internal orgasms can also result in a temporary imbalance, either in the vaginal flora, or in the patterns of tension in the pelvic floor muscles. Hypertense pelvic floor muscles can produce symptoms similar to a urinary tract infection, for example discomfort and urge incontinence.

If medical conditions requiring treatment have been ruled out, recovery is a matter of restoring the anatomy and microbiome to their natural, balanced state. Patience, understanding and time are your allies in this.

Size Mismatches

Overall, size is less of an issue than most people fear. The average woman can have pleasurable sex with men whose lingams are just about any size, just as the average man can successfully pleasure a woman whose vagina is just about any size.

Where size can become an issue is at the extremes, where one partner is at the small end of the range, while the other partner is at the large end of the range.

Small penis, large vagina

While 45% of men believe they have small penises, 85% of women are satisfied with their partner’s penis [1]. Before you diagnose yourself as "small", check with your partner!

This situation can be a blessing, because it stops both partners from being focused on rushing to the "Tab A in Slot B" form of sexual intercourse. Tantric orgasms involve the whole body, and require building sexual energy for quite some time, so getting good at all forms of sensuality is a big boost to Tantric sexuality. Man can have Tantric orgasms when they don't even have an erection, so dive in to learning how to build sexual energy through touching all the other parts of the body, mutual masturbation, and oral sex.

For a man with a small penis, learning to do yoni massage can be a huge confidence boost. Having the skills to make a woman orgasm over and over for hours takes the focus off penis size altogether.

For a woman with a larger vagina, suggesting certain sexual positions can support the less well-endowed man to give you maximum orgasmic joy.

Having your legs together, rather than apart, increases stimulation, and also brings your external clitoral nub into contact with his pubic bone more often. This works for missionary and "woman on top" positions. Bringing your legs together also increases sensation in doggy-style and other positions where he enters from behind. Adjust your position so that he is striking the G-spot area, which is close enough to the entrance to be reached by even a micro-penis.

If a man is highly motivated, he can actually increase the size of his lingam using a natural method known as jelqing. This method involves daily stretching and massaging of the lingam to increase blood flow and relax connective tissue.

Large penis, small vagina

Some women have smaller vaginas than others, and a well-endowed man can unintentionally cause pain for these women, simply through being too large.

Lots of foreplay, and extra lubricant, can minimise the discomfort. Using a dildo during foreplay can help to encourage the vagina to relax and expand before introducing the penis.

Some sexual positions are better than others. Even with good preparation, sexual positions which allow for deep penetration can allow a large penis to overextend the vagina, in some cases even causing tearing [3].

Positions where the woman is on top allow for the best control over depth of penetration. In the missionary position, the woman can bring her thighs together, so that the man's hips hit her thighs and stop him from penetrating too deeply. The standing missionary position works well with a larger penis, and if that seems like too much work, spooning (man behind woman, while both are lying on their sides) is an ideal position for extended sessions of Tantric lovemaking with a large penis.

Arousal and Erection Problems

Lubrication

When a woman is sexually aroused, her body produces a clear, very slippery lubrication that is similar in consistency to a man’s pre-ejaculatory fluid (also known as pre-cum).  This lubrication is secreted from glands that surround the opening of the vagina. This lubrication commonly happens quickly in a woman when she is young (teens to early 20’s), in the early stages of a relationship, or when very intensely excited by something new.

It is very common for both men and women to judge whether a woman is sexually excited by her level of natural lubrication.  The reasoning is that if a woman is excited, she should be very wet, and that her level of lubrication corresponds exactly to the level of excitement that she is experiencing. This reasoning, however, is simply false. For example, natural lubrication varies with hormone levels, and women who are breastfeeding, pregnant, using oral contraceptives, or are post-menopausal may not produce sufficient lubrication under any circumstances.

According to Sex Info by the University of California, Santa Barbara, approximately 40 percent of women in the United States reported issues with inadequate lubrication during sexual activity.

Women who are experiencing dryness for hormonal reasons are advised to use a good quality, water-based, unscented lubricant. Consuming foods rich in phytoestrogens can boost hormone levels. Phytoestrogen-rich foods include cherries, flax seeds and other oil seeds.

Other systemic causes of dryness can be influences which reduce blood flow in general, such as smoking cigarettes and taking antihistamines. Work on eliminating, or reducing as much as possible, anything which restrict the free flow of blood to the genital area. Having a few yoni massages can do wonders for the blood flow in the lower abdomen.

You can increase blood flow naturally in a number of ways, starting with ensuring you have enough blood volume, by ensuring you drink enough water. Research shows that 75 percent of Americans may suffer from chronic dehydration. It is generally recommended that each person drink at least eight to 10 cups of water a day. Chronic dehydration causes many health risks, and one of them is vaginal dryness.

Use only PH balanced cleaning products on your genitals. Most regular soaps and body washes are alkaline, and will cause dryness.

Boost your diet with  vitamin A, vitamin E, vitamin B12 and essential fatty acids such as Omega 3, cold-pressed olive oil, flax seeds and other oil seeds.

Regular stimulation of the anterior fornix (the area of the vaginal wall directly in from of the cervix) can produce a longer-term increase in natural lubrication. If you don't have a lover or yoni massage therapist to do this for you, find the right dildo, and make it a part of your Tantric practice.

For most women, the biggest key to natural lubrication is foreplay, foreplay, foreplay. Spend at least 20 minutes on non-penetrative sex, and, ideally, have one or more orgasms before penetration. Not only will this increase natural lubrication, it also makes the sensation of penetration utterly blissful.

Erection

It is very common for men to experience times when they want to have an erection, but it doesn't happen. It is important to rule out physical causes first, but in the vast majority of cases, it is a temporary situation rather than a medical condition.

A major cause of temporary impotence (the inability to get or to sustain an erection) is simply stress. The body needs to be in a state of relaxation, in which the parasympathetic nervous system (rest and repair) predominates, in order to develop an erection. Too much stress, and the sympathetic (fight or flight) nervous system is dominant, preventing an erection.

Another, often overlooked, cause is unresolved emotional conflict. Some couples find fiery arguments stimulate passionate sex, while others need to calm down, apologize to one another, and spend some time cuddling and reconnecting after an argument, before they are in a state to be interested in sex. Even if there are no big arguments, a long period of suppressing small resentments can have a similar suppressive effect on sexual desire.

If a physical problem has been ruled out, the number 1 rule is - give yourself a break. Putting pressure on yourself is only going to increase the stress and make things worse.

Instead, invest some time in expanding your skills in pleasuring your lover in other ways. Yoni massage can be a relationship-saver during these times, as can oral sex and erotic cuddling. If you forget your worries in the warm glow of leaving your partner thoroughly pleasured, you may even find your lingam suddenly wants to join the party!

Certain natural substances can help to relieve temporary erection problems, including panax ginseng, rhodiola rosea, DHEA, L-arginine, and yohimbe.

If the problem persists for an extended period, it may be worth consulting a professional counsellor, sex coach, or sex therapist for a personalized program.

Orgasm Problems

Premature Ejaculation

Some authorities define premature ejaculation as "when a man experiences orgasm and expels semen soon after sexual activity and with minimal penile stimulation". A consensus of experts at the International Society for Sexual Medicine endorsed a definition including "ejaculation which always or nearly always occurs prior to or within about one minute". [1]

While this definition may satisfy those seeking a medical definition of the problem, most couples would be disappointed with intercourse which lasts two or three minutes before the man has an involuntary ejaculation. The Mayo Clinic defines premature ejaculation as "when a man ejaculates sooner during sexual intercourse than he or his partner would like".

Tantrics practice brahmacharya, ejaculation control, and aim never to have an involuntary ejaculation. By the Mayo Clinic definition, any uncontrolled ejaculation by a Tantric man would be considered premature ejaculation, even if he had been having Tantric sex for an hour or more before the accidental emission.

Lifelong premature ejaculation can be caused by a chemical imbalance, which lowers the threshold for ejaculation. As these men need less stimulation to reach a peak of excitement, ejaculation can happen sooner than desired.

Acquired premature ejaculation is often caused by stress. The anxiety can be about sexual performance, or caused by internal conflicts, such as sex-negative social programming. If there are chronic conflicts in a relationship, a man may subconsciously avoid intimacy by ending sex as soon as possible with an involuntary ejaculation.

In the short term, during lovemaking, there are some practices which can help to delay ejaculation. A man may learn to identify and control the sensations that lead up to ejaculation, and to communicate with his partner to slow or stop stimulation. Using a condom to reduce sensation to the penis can help to delay ejaculation, as can adopting a different sexual position (such as woman on top).

Control over the breath allows for control over the mind, and as a result, control over emotions and desire. It is important to be aware of the breathing rhythm at all stages during Tantric practice, and to be able to modify breathing patterns, using them to shift energy. For ejaculation control, the most important breath is a long, slow abdominal breath

In the longer term, the only solution is to develop the ability to handle more sexual energy without ejaculating to release it.

At the level of the energy body, Tantrics practice sublimation, the process of moving energy from lower chakras to higher chakras. Sexual activity increases the concentration of energy in the lower chakras, especially the second chakra, svaddisthana chakra. Once this energy reaches a critical level, the system will trigger the ejaculation reflex. Sublimation is practiced routinely, every day, as well as during sexual activity, to make sure the energy stays below the critical level.

Lingam massage can help a man to practice controlling larger and larger amounts of sexual energy and intense pleasure.

Explosive Orgasm

There are two different movements of energy when it comes to the female orgasm: explosive and implosive. In an explosive orgasm, the accumulated sexual energy is expelled and lost, depleting the vitality and femininity of the woman. Explosive, external orgasms offer satisfaction mainly on the physical level. They are usually short, create contraction in the body, and leave the clitoris with a feeling of not wanting to be further stimulated.

In an implosive orgasm, the energy stays within the being and thus can be used for healing and spiritual purposes. Tantric women aim to conserve their sexual energy, by ensuring all their orgasms are implosive.

To develop internal, implosive orgasms a woman needs to become vulnerable, open up, trust, and surrender. These subtle energetic and emotional commitments are the key to opening up to Tantric orgasms. Implosive orgasms are more emotionally satisfying, and more spiritually uplifting. 

Some women have become so accustomed to relieving sexual tension with a quick, explosive orgasm that it can be quite difficult to develop new habits. Some women resist the emotional and spiritual and spiritual components of accessing deep, implosive orgasms - the surrender to sensation in the moment, the letting go of control. Solo practice, as well as practicing Tantric sex with a trusted partner, will eventually open the door to implosive orgasms, the orgasmic plateau, and orgasms which are sustained for minutes, or even hours.

Difficulty Reaching Orgasm

A significant proportion of women report that they have never experienced an orgasm.

Societal programming and the collective subconscious attitude around women’s sexuality suppress the natural connection between women and their bodies, their desire, and their pleasure. An important step in opening into Tantric orgasms is to cultivate a harmonious relationship with one’s sexuality, investigating guilt, shame, and fear and making efforts to replace these feelings with openness, love, and trust.

There are large individual differences in anatomy, and particularly in the branching of the pelvic nerve, which affect the sensations and degree of pleasure from different parts of the genitals. Each woman needs to learn her own "pleasure map", and be able to communicate with her lovers, to ensure the stimulation is appropriate. Solo practice is a must for women who have never experienced orgasm.

Trauma can cause women to block their awareness of sensations in the vagina. Such women tend to find masturbation unsatisfying. Yoni massage can help to reconnect the brain with the nerves in the genital area, and awaken the awareness of pleasurable sensations.

References

  1. Small Penis Sex Positions by AskMen, accessed July 25, 2017.
  2. Jelqing Exercises on jelqwiki accessed July 25, 2017.
  3. Sex Positions for a Large Penis by Sophie Saint Thomas, accessed July 25, 2017.
  4. Erectile Dysfunction on Wikipedia, accessed July 28, 2017.
  5. Natural Treatment for Erectile Dysfunction by Colleen Story and Debra Wilson, accessed July 28, 2017.
  6. Natural Lubrication in Women by The Sex MD, accessed July 29, 2017.
  7. Seven Ways to Increase Lubrication by Yvette Manes accessed July 29, 2017.
  8. Beating Vaginal Dryness by Linda Miriam Aziz-Zadeh accessed July 29, 2017.
  9. Premature Ejaculation on Wikipedia, accessed July 29, 2017.